i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
