If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
