fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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