I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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