Betty ford says i'm here all night
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
