I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
