I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
