we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
