I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
