when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize