Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
