Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
