How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
