pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
