Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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