Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
