3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Randomize
