$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
