it wasn't lemon gatorade
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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