Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
