I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
