I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I love you.
Bad choice
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
