Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
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To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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