I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
