i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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