This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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