I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
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I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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