I love black thongs
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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