so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
