the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
