Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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