My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
