Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
