Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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