fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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