please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
