You can't special order awesome
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
