since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
