I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize