Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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