I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Randomize
