I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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