The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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