I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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