So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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