If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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