i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
