My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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