He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
