WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
