miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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