Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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