i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
