he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
