A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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