I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
