I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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