I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
