Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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