if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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