We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The uberlube is also flammable
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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